Dear Internets,
Do I officially go public with this blog? I've wanted something that isn't specialized to share with the world - my LiveJournal account is only for friends, but there's something inside of me that's screaming for exposure (that sounds far dirtier than intended). This blog has always been there, free for anyone to read, but I haven't advertised it at all. But if I know that someone out here is actually reading this, will that change what I feel comfortable sharing?
Maybe I should keep this venue as it is, and let people stumble upon it in the future. It's all still up in the air.
One of my close college friends announced recently that she's pregnant, and that she's having a girl. I'm so happy for her, I can't even express how delighted the news has made me.
But then I stop and wonder: is my excitement truly happiness for my friend, or is it sparking something else inside me? Once again, I feel my biological clock starting to tick. The dreaded age 30 is coming in a little over a year. You know, the year where everything about your body starts to take a downward turn. I'm not even in a place in my life to consider having children. Hell, I don't even really like kids. But I'm finding that I want one. Mother Nature is prodding me far more than any of my earthly mothers ever will, and I find she's the hardest to ignore.
I need a man.
Yours in constant struggle,
Becky
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Fear of Flying
Dear Internets,
In my dream last night, I was at the airport. I was ready to fly to Mexico for my step-sister's wedding. I was there early, bright-eyed and bushy tailed, for my 6 AM flight. The representative at the desk told me that I could no longer fly on the flight I had bought my ticket for. "Is the plane still making the flight?" I demanded.
"Yes, but-"
"I don't understand why I can't be on the flight. I bought my ticket months ago."
"And we will refund your money so you will be able to take a different flight at another time."
"My sister's wedding is tomorrow. I need to be on that flight."
"No one can get on that flight."
"Then why is it even flying?"
"Because George Bush bought all the seats."
"How can someone - former president or not - buy all the seats on a plane when many of them had already been sold?"
I refused to accept the fact that I couldn't be on this flight. The airline had no other flights to Cancun that day. I couldn't buy a flight on another airline because I didn't have any money. When my brother showed up at the airport, I woke up.
I don't think it's a good sign when I have dreams about not making it to my step-sister's wedding when it's still 4 months away. Maybe I'm just afraid I won't be able to pay for it.
Love,
Becky
In my dream last night, I was at the airport. I was ready to fly to Mexico for my step-sister's wedding. I was there early, bright-eyed and bushy tailed, for my 6 AM flight. The representative at the desk told me that I could no longer fly on the flight I had bought my ticket for. "Is the plane still making the flight?" I demanded.
"Yes, but-"
"I don't understand why I can't be on the flight. I bought my ticket months ago."
"And we will refund your money so you will be able to take a different flight at another time."
"My sister's wedding is tomorrow. I need to be on that flight."
"No one can get on that flight."
"Then why is it even flying?"
"Because George Bush bought all the seats."
"How can someone - former president or not - buy all the seats on a plane when many of them had already been sold?"
I refused to accept the fact that I couldn't be on this flight. The airline had no other flights to Cancun that day. I couldn't buy a flight on another airline because I didn't have any money. When my brother showed up at the airport, I woke up.
I don't think it's a good sign when I have dreams about not making it to my step-sister's wedding when it's still 4 months away. Maybe I'm just afraid I won't be able to pay for it.
Love,
Becky
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Phew
Dear Internets,
I am so lucky sometimes. I don't know how I still have a job, but I do, for sure. Without a doubt. My boss had to lay off 2 people yesterday. Another boss had to lay off 3. Cuts were made throughout the whole office. They were my friends, and now they're gone.
This morning, early (for her, not for me), my boss called me into her office. We had already gotten the "staffing announcement" memo from the president of the company, so I was pretty sure I still had a job, but I was worried about a reprimand about how much time I spend on the internet during the day. I still don't think she knows about that. No. What she wanted to talk about after the pleasantries ("yesterday was a hard day") was that she wants to give me more responsibility. Cross-train me, use me in the upcoming busy season doing some of the extra work load now that manpower has been lessened. "Yes, of course, whatever you need," I told her, relieved. She even mentioned that if I liked what I was learning, I could move on to a new position "if someone else left." I didn't ask if that "someone else" would be leaving voluntarily.
Remind me again why I'd want a position that continually gets axed when the layoffs come around? Theoretically, it'll make more money, but with the salary freeze, I'm not sure if that could happen. I think I'll stay right where I am for the time being. I like being the only one who knows how to do my job.
I'm safe, for now. I hope for a long time.
Yours,
Becky
I am so lucky sometimes. I don't know how I still have a job, but I do, for sure. Without a doubt. My boss had to lay off 2 people yesterday. Another boss had to lay off 3. Cuts were made throughout the whole office. They were my friends, and now they're gone.
This morning, early (for her, not for me), my boss called me into her office. We had already gotten the "staffing announcement" memo from the president of the company, so I was pretty sure I still had a job, but I was worried about a reprimand about how much time I spend on the internet during the day. I still don't think she knows about that. No. What she wanted to talk about after the pleasantries ("yesterday was a hard day") was that she wants to give me more responsibility. Cross-train me, use me in the upcoming busy season doing some of the extra work load now that manpower has been lessened. "Yes, of course, whatever you need," I told her, relieved. She even mentioned that if I liked what I was learning, I could move on to a new position "if someone else left." I didn't ask if that "someone else" would be leaving voluntarily.
Remind me again why I'd want a position that continually gets axed when the layoffs come around? Theoretically, it'll make more money, but with the salary freeze, I'm not sure if that could happen. I think I'll stay right where I am for the time being. I like being the only one who knows how to do my job.
I'm safe, for now. I hope for a long time.
Yours,
Becky
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Layoffs
Dear Internets,
It's hard to work today, now that I found out that so many of my coworkers are no longer allowed to work here. Big round of layoffs at the Office. Again. Just like last time, I'm assured by all around me that my job is safe, they couldn't get rid of me. But that doesn't mean I don't worry. My heart is beating a little harder than usual today, and there's palpable tension in the air. 5 people from my floor alone lost their jobs today, and I didn't even know about it until after the fact. There was more whispering than usual today, but it didn't occur to me to delve deeper until this afternoon, after one of my coworkers down the cubicle row from me suddenly seemed to disappear from the office. Then someone else made a comment about my boss's office, and how it's not a happy place today. Right. Because they are layoffs today. Just like last time, no one knew they were actually coming.
I can't concentrate, and I've got two projects on my plate that I'm having trouble figuring out. Would they be easier to grasp if I were able to hold myself together a little better? How could I have been so oblivious this morning?
Now I just have to wait for the "spontaneous" all-staff meeting to talk about our "reduction in force." I'm sure that one will be just peachy.
Your faithful servant,
Becky
It's hard to work today, now that I found out that so many of my coworkers are no longer allowed to work here. Big round of layoffs at the Office. Again. Just like last time, I'm assured by all around me that my job is safe, they couldn't get rid of me. But that doesn't mean I don't worry. My heart is beating a little harder than usual today, and there's palpable tension in the air. 5 people from my floor alone lost their jobs today, and I didn't even know about it until after the fact. There was more whispering than usual today, but it didn't occur to me to delve deeper until this afternoon, after one of my coworkers down the cubicle row from me suddenly seemed to disappear from the office. Then someone else made a comment about my boss's office, and how it's not a happy place today. Right. Because they are layoffs today. Just like last time, no one knew they were actually coming.
I can't concentrate, and I've got two projects on my plate that I'm having trouble figuring out. Would they be easier to grasp if I were able to hold myself together a little better? How could I have been so oblivious this morning?
Now I just have to wait for the "spontaneous" all-staff meeting to talk about our "reduction in force." I'm sure that one will be just peachy.
Your faithful servant,
Becky
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Time...
Someone out there is messing with me.
At work, I have 3 clocks I can easily see: one on my phone, one on my computer, and one on my cell phone.
Right now, only two of them are in agreement on what time it is. My two phones say it's 8:00 AM. My computer is convinced it's 8:05 AM. This shouldn't bother me. But it does. Especially because last week, my computer and my work phone were both slower than my cell phone.
I don't like not knowing what time it actually is. For now, I'm going to assume that my computer is jumping the gun. It'll probably get tired and slow down while I'm on vacation next week. I'm pretty sure my cell phone knows where it's at. I think it gets its time from some sort of satellite thingy.
At work, I have 3 clocks I can easily see: one on my phone, one on my computer, and one on my cell phone.
Right now, only two of them are in agreement on what time it is. My two phones say it's 8:00 AM. My computer is convinced it's 8:05 AM. This shouldn't bother me. But it does. Especially because last week, my computer and my work phone were both slower than my cell phone.
I don't like not knowing what time it actually is. For now, I'm going to assume that my computer is jumping the gun. It'll probably get tired and slow down while I'm on vacation next week. I'm pretty sure my cell phone knows where it's at. I think it gets its time from some sort of satellite thingy.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Two dreams
Last night I had two dreams that I remember rather vividly.
1. I was in a relatively small building. I was living there, but there weren't any bedrooms. It was more like an office. I was in the basement (one of those partially-underground basements - "garden level" if you prefer). I looked out the window, and saw a tornado outside, and it was headed in my direction. I went out into the hallway and knocked on doors. The only person I recognized from real life was one of my coworkers. She said she knew there was a tornado, and told everyone to stay in the hallway because it was safest. I kept looking out the window - I could see it from the hallway - and the tornado was edging closer and closer. It seemed like a sure thing that it would hit us directly, so I decided that there were a few things I needed to gather from my "important things" drawer so that they didn't disappear when the building was destroyed. The only two things I was planning on getting were my passport and the envelope containing the cash I withdrew for when I eventually buy a car. My passport was right where it should be, but the cash envelope was gone. I tore the room apart looking for the envelope. The tornado got closer. I started tearing through other rooms. When I get to the room that belonged to my coworker, I found the envelope inside a long metal cylinder. I unrolled the envelope, and was ready to confront my coworker, but the tornado was extremely close. Everyone was scared. Then the tornado turned, and only clipped the corner of the building. It left no damage.
2. In the other dream, I was in a greenhouse/conservatory type of place with lots of exotic plants inside. There was a pond in the middle, and a rectangular path around the pond. I was there with a friend (unidentified), and we were sitting on a ledge that surrounded the pond. A very strange-looking creature came up to us and nuzzled me. It was a very friendly animal (and kind of looked like a muppet). Later, my friend and I donned some cross-country skis (because suddenly there was snow on the path, even though it was warm in the room). Other people joined us, and we knew them both. One was tagged as the "hot girl who all the guys fell in love with," and the other was named Sam, "the cute girl that everyone loves (platonically)". We skied around the path for a long time. Finally, I looked at Sam and told her that she had a red spot on her shirt. It looked like someone was aiming a laser pointer at her. Suddenly, everyone freaked out and started skiing faster - because it wasn't just a laser pointer, it was the laser sight from a gun. We were skiing for our lives. But then Sam was hit. she collapsed and fell backwards, her skis coming off in the process. There was a spot in the middle of her abdomen (where her shirt had come up) that was a large red circle. She stopped breathing, and I woke up.
1. I was in a relatively small building. I was living there, but there weren't any bedrooms. It was more like an office. I was in the basement (one of those partially-underground basements - "garden level" if you prefer). I looked out the window, and saw a tornado outside, and it was headed in my direction. I went out into the hallway and knocked on doors. The only person I recognized from real life was one of my coworkers. She said she knew there was a tornado, and told everyone to stay in the hallway because it was safest. I kept looking out the window - I could see it from the hallway - and the tornado was edging closer and closer. It seemed like a sure thing that it would hit us directly, so I decided that there were a few things I needed to gather from my "important things" drawer so that they didn't disappear when the building was destroyed. The only two things I was planning on getting were my passport and the envelope containing the cash I withdrew for when I eventually buy a car. My passport was right where it should be, but the cash envelope was gone. I tore the room apart looking for the envelope. The tornado got closer. I started tearing through other rooms. When I get to the room that belonged to my coworker, I found the envelope inside a long metal cylinder. I unrolled the envelope, and was ready to confront my coworker, but the tornado was extremely close. Everyone was scared. Then the tornado turned, and only clipped the corner of the building. It left no damage.
2. In the other dream, I was in a greenhouse/conservatory type of place with lots of exotic plants inside. There was a pond in the middle, and a rectangular path around the pond. I was there with a friend (unidentified), and we were sitting on a ledge that surrounded the pond. A very strange-looking creature came up to us and nuzzled me. It was a very friendly animal (and kind of looked like a muppet). Later, my friend and I donned some cross-country skis (because suddenly there was snow on the path, even though it was warm in the room). Other people joined us, and we knew them both. One was tagged as the "hot girl who all the guys fell in love with," and the other was named Sam, "the cute girl that everyone loves (platonically)". We skied around the path for a long time. Finally, I looked at Sam and told her that she had a red spot on her shirt. It looked like someone was aiming a laser pointer at her. Suddenly, everyone freaked out and started skiing faster - because it wasn't just a laser pointer, it was the laser sight from a gun. We were skiing for our lives. But then Sam was hit. she collapsed and fell backwards, her skis coming off in the process. There was a spot in the middle of her abdomen (where her shirt had come up) that was a large red circle. She stopped breathing, and I woke up.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Hijacked!
Last night, I had a dream where someone hijacked my blog and made it their own - I was surprised when I logged in and saw there were 99 comments on one post. Needless to say, when I got to work this morning, I learned that nothing of the sort had happened. My blog is still mine, and there are still zero comments on it.
Monday, March 16, 2009
It is Monday
Today is Monday, and it feels like one. I kept waking in the middle of the night because of stomach problems. What a cheery start to the week.
Had a dream last night, though. A kind of odd one. I was in a wedding, but for the reception (which was inexplicably before the wedding ceremony) I had to be a groomsman, not a bridesmaid. I wore a tuxedo and everything. But then it was time for the ceremony, and I had to put on a dress - white with bright pink flowers. I was freaking out because I was having... issues (of the feminine variety), and really didn't want to wear something white. My uncle Bruce was there - he was an actual groomsman, for both the ceremony and the reception, but he wouldn't drive me from the one location to the other. I had to ask someone I didn't know to drive me. I don't even remember whose wedding it was.
Had a dream last night, though. A kind of odd one. I was in a wedding, but for the reception (which was inexplicably before the wedding ceremony) I had to be a groomsman, not a bridesmaid. I wore a tuxedo and everything. But then it was time for the ceremony, and I had to put on a dress - white with bright pink flowers. I was freaking out because I was having... issues (of the feminine variety), and really didn't want to wear something white. My uncle Bruce was there - he was an actual groomsman, for both the ceremony and the reception, but he wouldn't drive me from the one location to the other. I had to ask someone I didn't know to drive me. I don't even remember whose wedding it was.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Introduction
Writing on electronic pages
The perception of time and interpretation of dreams
Thoughts on a cold winter's day
(Trust me, it's not as pretentious as it sounds)
At times it's low-brow, sometimes crass
Though I'm not sure why I'm apologizing -
Nobody's going to read this blog anyway.
The perception of time and interpretation of dreams
Thoughts on a cold winter's day
(Trust me, it's not as pretentious as it sounds)
At times it's low-brow, sometimes crass
Though I'm not sure why I'm apologizing -
Nobody's going to read this blog anyway.
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